The Nonsensical Ramblings of Bea Arthur

Say, AIN'T you PATRICK dempSey?! (Find hidden message)

2009-03-17T03:29:00.004-06:00

Ideas on how to spend your St. Patrick's Day

-Start the day with Lucky Charms. Eat only the clovers, pots of gold, and leprechaun hats. Leave the rest for your cat.

-Pretend to be Irish. Start by having 17 kids.

-Re-decorate your kitchen floor with fresh Astroturf.

-Before you treat your cat to some Lucky Charms, dip it in green paint.

-Pay your nephew to grow a red beard, wear green overalls, and follow you around all day shouting “arr-diddy-dar-dar” (Be careful: If it’s not done right, this phrase can come across more ‘piratey’ than ‘leprachauney’).

-Construct a shrine honoring Conan O’Brien—the patron saint of tall hair.

-Make an Irish Float: 2 Scoops of Lime Sherbet in a mug of Guinness.

-Wear any green beads you have leftover from Mardi Gras.

-Speak Irish. Here’s a quick lesson.
Bar = Pub
Dance = Jig
Recliner = Toilet
Toilet = Recliner

-Find a pot of gold! You can achieve this by putting on your rainbow shirt and joining the parade march.

-Say a prayer for Colin Farrell’s soul.

-Smooch a redhead. Not on the lips though, they might infect you with dreaded “potato blight.”

This Day In History

2009-03-13T00:14:00.003-06:00

This day in history, in 1822, a man named Darcy M. Finnigus discovered what we now know as a “pomegranate.” Though pomegranate is native to the Middle East and the southern parts of Asia, believe it or not, Finnigus was an AMERICAN.

One syrupy Indiana afternoon (Finnigus was from Indiana), Darcy and his wife, Marcy, got into a messy altercation. She had hoped to raise a Catholic family and he preferred trading the kids for a satchel of magic beads.

Sidenote: Unlike magic beaNs, magic beaDs cannot be planted and do not produce giant beanstalks. Not even BEADstalks! They can, however, be used as armor-piercing bullets when inserted into any hair dryer. Unfortunately, this was useless to Darcy seeing as how hair dryers would not be invented for another century.

Either way, he didn’t mind the worthless magic beads because he just didn’t care for his kids. As you can imagine, Mrs. Finnigus wasn’t “pumped”(1822 slang for ‘excited’) about this idea. Sadly, by the time she learned of the exchange, the kids were already the rightful property of the notorious Bead Hag of Indiana. Marcy just wasn’t a very good mother.

That’s enough about Marcy though, we’re supposed to be learning about Darcy—or as he was soon to be known, “Pomegranate Marky” (I’ll have to explain that later). After the argument, Darcy hopped into his steam-powered helicopter, which was standard for all postmen of that era (Oh yeah, did I mention Darcy was a postman?!). Darcy’s navigation system gave him four choices: North, South, East, and West. Then eenie-meenie-miney-EAST and Darcy was off to that strange place just above Africa…and sorta to the right.

…Boy, this is getting long isn’t it? I’m bored…so long story short, Darcy crash-landed in the desert, got into a life-or-death duel with a camel, and ate his first pomegranate. It was tasty, but not worth the time consuming task of picking the little “fruit nuggets” out of the “rancid cheese part.” His words, not mine. Darcy really wasn’t much of a wordsmith.

P.S. Still wondering why Darcy was called “Pomegranate Marky”? It all started because his full name is Darcy MARK Finnigus. (I didn’t say it was interesting.)

Also, Darcy didn’t discover the pomegranate. He was only the first person to bring one back to Indiana. Darcy liked to embellish.

Valentine's Survey

2009-02-10T20:23:00.002-07:00

1. Are you single or taken?
I am QUITE single, Carly. (*hint *hint)

2. Chocolate or flowers?
Wait...stop...are you ready? CHOCOLATE FLOWERS. You've heard the expression "stop and smell the roses," but now you can stop and INGEST the roses! Way better, right?

3. Will you do anything special for Valentine’s Day?
There's no doubt that I'll be at the local florist shop pouring melted Hershey's bars on other customer's bouquets. They'll resist at first, but they'll be "suddenly open-minded" when they discover the 5% increase in their chances of getting laid.

4. What is your first memory of Valentine's?
I was 6. The girl I liked called me an "ugly mugly." I ran home crying to my mother. I'll never forget her comforting words:

"There there son, somewhere out there...some beautiful girl is being raised by wolves. When she's discovered and adopted by our next door neighbors...she'll meet YOU. And SHE won't be as appalled by your lackluster table manners and grooming habits as everyone else."

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentine’s?
I wasn't DATING anyone, but I was PAYING someone.

6. What would be your dream Valentine’s date?
I can picture it now. I'm sitting on the moon throwing a frisbee made of (...you guessed it) CHOCOLATE to Shakira. She wiggles her hips and throws it to my REAL DATE, Janet Reno. We then spend the rest of our enchanted evening staring at the stars and exchanging innuendos involving "rocket-ships," "craters," and "zero-gravity."

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentine’s Day?
Yes! Every Valentine's Day Eve, I climb the tallest skyscraper in the city and I drop conversation hearts on unsuspecting citizens below. I do this with the hope that one fair maiden will be charmed by the "hug me" carved into the candy heart embedded in her skull. We will then get married on that same skyscraper the next day.

...oh, and the day AFTER Valentine's? I drop "apology hearts" and band-aids.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I usually fill that role. Except "secret admirer" is such a lame term. I take it to the next level. I'm a "covert groupie."

9. What images do the words "Valentine's Day," conjure up?
Hmmmmm…I'm going to have to say "low fat fig bars" and "local newscasters." Cliche' I know.

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
You mean the chubby baby freak of nature that pierces the hearts of strangers? Yeah...that little "legolas wannabe" looks more like a "shaved flying Gimli."

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentine’s?
Yes, every year my parents give a box full of chocolates that have been injected with anti-depressants. They also sit me down for a stern lecture on not "going postal" at the Junior High’s “Valentine's Day Dance.”

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
I stopped sharing intimate Spiderman Cards with my classmates when my teachers stopped allocating time in class for building special Valentine's mailboxes.

13. Do you like candy hearts?
Only the rare ones that say "eat me." Even then, I still don't like the TASTE, but I love the message.

14. What is something you got last Valentine's?
My ex, Susan, left a severed horse head under the sheets in my bed. She was kind enough to leave it when it was fresh though. "Horse neck muscle" is a fine cut of meat. I fed the tongue to my dog.

15. Is Valentine's depressing?
Only if buy in to all that "you'll never be loved by any person and/or wild beast for as long as you live" rubbish.

16. How do you feel about PDA?
I was raised in a nudist colony, so I like to think I'm pretty tolerant. I draw the line at eye contact though.

17. How is your love life?
My love life invaded my family-life, slept with my work-life and is laying low in Dayton, Ohio with my secret-life. I think he's doing alright there. Apparently, folks are desperate in Ohio.

18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
"Dumped" isn't the right word. I'd say I was "run over repeatedly and inexplicably."

19. How many roses would you want?
FOURTEEN. Everybody buys a dozen roses or two dozen roses...but who takes the time to buy a dozen and then STEAL two additional roses? Someone who really loves someone, that's who.

20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines?
Knowing me and my tendency to chew "Sour Cream and Cheddar" gum, I'd say not. But I'm fine with that. Someday, I'll find someone who likes the taste of cheap crackers as much as I do. I've just been wasting too much time with "name brand cracker" types.

Gran Torino

2009-01-19T03:44:00.003-07:00

***SPOILER ALERT*** (If you plan on seeing Gran Torino unspoiled, don't read on)

This movie was pretty good. Blended comedy with drama and pulled it off VERY well. When everyone was crying at the end of the movie...a friend and I cried with them. Not because of sadness, however. It's because we couldn't stop laughing.

I didn't witness any because I couldn't see past the tears...but word is, we got some pretty dirty looks. Anyway, imagine the tension building up for over 2 hours and then culminating with this unforgettable song...

...and tell me you wouldn't laugh too. (You just need to hear the first verse/chorus)

Subway: Eat Fresh. Smell REVOLTING.

2009-01-10T02:31:00.006-07:00

Dear Senor Subway (I assume you’re latin because you offer “Italian Herbs and Cheese” bread):

…wait, that doesn’t make sense. Italian Herbs and Cheese…that would make you...Italian? Right? Whatever...

Dear Sylvester Stallone (a.k.a. the “Subway Pope”):

You ruined my life and I smell like mutant body odor. Let me explain.

I, like many Americans, find the idea of a $5 footlong overwhelmingly enticing. I mean, only $5 for a sandwich longer than my Yorkshire Terrier?! That’s a bargain, my friend. Plus, it’s FRESH. There are very few other places you can get fresh food. I even get to watch your little Subway Rats build it for me (This also gives me the assurance that they’re not spitting or placing body hair in my sandwich).

...but you already knew these things, didn’t you? That’s why you own a chain of successful restaurants instead of that little submarine sandwich stand on the corner you used to run.

Well I’ve got a suggestion. Go back to the little submarine sandwich stand on the corner you used to run. You see, it incorporated one key ingredient lacking in your current restaurants. That ingredient? FRESH AIR.

I don’t care if your new sandwich stands are next to hog fat rendering plants, it will still be an improvement. Anything’s better than the “SUBWAY STENCH” (that’s ‘street’ for “that awful smell you get on your clothes after entering Subway that only fire or acid can cleanse”). I love your fresh food, but would it kill you to include fresh air? It’s becoming a serious problem, Mr. Stallone.

Whether you linger for 2 hours or you pass through in .5 seconds…there’s still no escaping it. Once you step foot in that invisible fog, there’s no turning back. You can kiss your outfit goodbye. Or worse…you could end up like me.
This a list of my grievances (prepare for lawsuits regarding each one).

-After a visit to your restaurant, a german shepherd ripped a chunk out of my arm when it mistook my scent for a “dead, charred sewer rat” (I use quotes because, after the attack, that’s what the dog told me it thought it smelled).

-I used to weigh 450 lbs. My wife threatened to leave me and take the kids if I didn’t get back into shape. So I started walking 5 miles to Subway and back for every meal. I did this for 3 straight years. I even got down to a lean 180 lbs! But by that time, my wife and kids had already left me because I would trigger each one of their gag reflexes simultaneously whenever I came home.

-I started my dream job as “taste tester” at the Candy Factory. I went to Subway for lunch on my first day. When I got back, my boss accused me of smelling like “rotten marijuana.” I failed the subsequent drug test because the stench had seeped through my pores.

-My grandmother gave me a handknit sweater for Christmas in 1998. One week later, I wore the sweater to Subway. I had to bury the sweater in the backyard. The next time I saw my grandmother, she asked about the sweater. I tried to explain about the subway stench, but she didn’t understand. One week later, I had to bury my grandmother in the backyard next to the sweater. They say she died of a broken heart. She also left me out of her will and had “I hate my grandson” engraved on her tombstone (My grandma didn’t even hate Charles Manson).

-Without my wife’s second income or an inheritance from my dead, sweater-knitting grandmother, I can’t afford to pay the mortgage on my house. I’ve been trying to sell it for 9 years, but my real estate agent said people “can’t get past the putrid perfume” that’s invaded my house. I’m $400,000 in debt. (Turns out, $5 isn’t that cheap when you add chips and a drink and it really ends up costing $9.)

I’ve lost my job, my family, my money, and a chunk of my arm…but I’m still willing to look the other way. However, ONLY if you will take dramatic steps towards improving the dire situation. Here are my suggestions:

-“Light a match.” (Or 5,000 matches)

-Get a sponsorship from Procter and Gamble. Then replace all oils, condiments, dressings, etc. with different fragrances of Febreze.

-Make the drive-thru more appealing by placing a giant glass window on the side of the building. This way, people can still see that your Submarine Deckhands aren’t spitting in the food.

-Instead of ceiling tiles, install industrial vacuums. Due to noise, customers will need to order via Morse code.

-Provide NASA-approved spacesuits (equipped with oxygen tanks) outside the door.

-Monitor the dangerous vapor by keeping a canary in every restaurant. When hungry patrons see the bird feet up at the bottom of its cage, they’ll know it’s not safe to go in.

-Send out a memo reminding all employees that it is not ok to cook cat piss and vinegar in the toaster.

-Hire mercenaries to enforce the “Stop Toasting Cat Piss and Vinegar Initiative.”

So there you have it. Make these changes, and I’ll call off my lawyers.

Sincerely,

Jared Fogle

It's a Two-fer!

2009-01-01T19:28:00.004-07:00

9 Average Sights on New Year's Day

Due to New Year's resolutions, on New Year’s Day, you’ll see a lot of things out of the ordinary…

Most common examples are:

Optimistic Pessimists (“You know, despite all the incriminating evidence, I think my wife is faithful.”)

Ambitious Slackers (“I’m not lazy anymore. I’m so productive that I’m going to publish 2 posts on my blog in one day!”)

Hygienic Pigs (“Annual Shower Day!”)

“Gum and Patch”-Break Employees (“Why do I still have to stand outside to chew gum?”)

Organized Lunatics (“I alphabetized my meds!”)

Financially Responsible Poor People (“We have 8 kids, so that means we need to limit ourselves to 8 Cup ‘O Noodles for the week.”)

Helpful Scumbags (“Hey sorry about sockin’ your toddler the other day, here’s a quarter to help with the medical bills.”)

Sober Hungover Folks (“Gotta appease the in-laws for at least one day…”)

Plump Holiday Joggers (“I should’ve been more considerate and NOT planned my route along a one-lane road with no shoulder.”)

You say, "Solutions" I say, "RE-Solutions"

2009-01-01T13:57:00.005-07:00

9 Resolutions for 2009

9. Update blog 2 to 4 times per month.

8. Continue to cheat death for another year.

7. Quit my rewarding job at the veal slaughterhouse.

6. Limit myself to 14 hours of Television per 15 hours. During extra hour: Surf YouTube.

5. Become the perfect “middle” between “Oprah” and “Dr. Phil,” so I can rob BOTH their demographics when I start my own daytime feel-good talk show. (Note to self: Dye skin to some sort of beige, grow half a mustache (a.k.a. Hitler-stache!), and start eating.)

4. Go back to school to study medicine. Or at least get an overnight degree in “cutting things open” online.

3. Finish my memoirs—detailing my sizzling love affair with Annie Oakley (Who is MUCH more than just a gun-toting fictional character).

2. Release my solo CD entitled, “Mothers, Punch Your Fathers.”
Track Listing:
1. “It’s Not What It Looks Like…”
2. “Let Me Explain…”
3. Oh Lucy, Why Did You Leave Me?
4. My Heart Is Broken Like A Clock That Doesn’t Work (A Broken Clock)
5. I Have Hit Some Sort of Rock Bottom
6. The Motel Bathroom Rug Is The Same Color As Your Hair
7. I Miss You, If I Could Resurrect Your Shar-pei, I Would
8. It’s Too Late to Change Your Name, Lucy
9. I WILL FIND YOU
10. Tazers And Mace Are No Match For My Heart That Is Like A Working Clock (Functioning Clock)((Fixed Clock))
11. An Hour and Fifty Minutes of Drunken Synthesizer-ists (Encore)

…and finally…

1. Cure acne…for strictly NON-selfish reasons…

There. Now, what are YOUR New Year's Resolutions?

The 9 Habits of Highly Successful Dudes

2008-12-09T03:39:00.007-07:00

I stumbled across an article titled, “9 Attractive Qualities Women Look For In A Guy.” (http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/9-attractive-qualities-women-look-for-in-a-guy-317629/) I was intrigued, but disappointed when I read the article. There wasn’t nearly enough information provided for me to get laid. So I thought I’d do a service to those other lonely loner lonesome…loners out there. Here are a few tips on how to attain these intoxicating traits.

SENSE OF HUMOR

-Any chance you get, trip someone who is weaker/smaller than you. Women will know you’re a keeper when they see that you keep it fresh. Nothing’s more irresistible than a guy who’s not afraid to “go there” for a laugh.
-Next time you are on a date, tell a joke. But instead of dropping the punchline, just fart.
You: “Hey, what do you call two giraffes who don’t like crossword puzzles?”
Her: “…I don’t know, what?”
You: * squeak *
Her: “Hahahahahahaha! …(catches breath) Aww, I love you.”
-When you go to a movie, pick a comedy. Then repeat every line the lead actor says.
Jim Carrey: “Our pets’ heads are falling off!”
You: “Haha…our pets heads are falling off!”
Her: “Hahahahaha! I’d kill my entire family just to spend one more precious second with you.”
(Sidenote: This is also an effective way to FIND a date. Just go to the movie by yourself, or with a guy friend if you’re too scared, and repeat the lines a little louder than normal. By the end of the movie, every female in the theater will have relocated to the seat nearest to you. That, or they’ll just wait to catch you on your way out. However, BE WARNED: Other guys might be threatened by your comedic timing and try to fill your sinuses with leftover popcorn.)

TRUSTWORTHY

-Let her know that you don’t keep secrets. This can be achieved by telling her, in gruesome detail, about the time you walked in on her parents in the Burger King restroom.
-Play truth or dare and always pick “truth.” Just pray she doesn’t ask about your suspicious cell phone calls, late nights at the office, and/or your secret family.
-On your first date with a new babe, you should INTENTONALLY ram a parked car. She’ll be blown away when you get out and leave a note with your name and number under their windshield wiper. (Hint: Use a fake name and number. You can’t afford to pay for smashed cars every first date. It adds up.)

KINDNESS

-Plan a date with a “service” theme. Pick up a hobo, bathe him, shave him, clothe him, feed him, and then set him up with your sister-in-law.
-Give her nice pet names like Honey, Muffin, or Sweetie…rather than Chicken, Noodle, and Soup. (I don’t care if her last name is Campbell.)
-If she’s cold, don’t just give her your coat. Go above and beyond. Offer to cut open the nearest, fattest creature with your lightsaber.

MONEY (Hint: This is the most valuable of all the traits. With money, you can BUY all 9 traits. Pay close attention.)

-In order to curb every wench’s voracious appetite for shiny things, you’ll need to sign up for and max out every credit card you can get your hands on. Don’t worry, your creditors will dump your body in the bay before she finds out you’re not really an “attorney neurosurgeon stock broker.”
-Build a time machine, go back to school, and study extra hard to be an “attorney neurosurgeon stock broker.”
-Convince her that you’re rich by showing her the sex tape you made with a certain heiress look-a-like…
-Become a drug lord.

SUPER HOT

-Plastic surgery (Rhinoplasty most likely).
-If you can’t afford plastic surgery (money again?!?!), alter the wills of everyone you know, then poison them. Be discrete.
-If you haven’t already, collect the money from your recently “accidentally” deceased loved ones and pay for the plastic surgery.
-Remember “comparison” can be your greatest ally. Surround yourself with ugliness. Cover the walls with Picasso. Buy a Brussels Griffon. Hang out with Gary Busey. In comparison, you’ll be a gulp of fresh Sprite.

...that's a Brussels Griffon to your right.

CONFIDENT

-I think confidence is something you need to be born with. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be “endowed” with “confidence”, your only hope is to become an NFL Wide Receiver. Something just happens…(see: T.O., “Ocho Cinco”, etc…)
-You might be afraid of impressing her so much that she’ll get intimidated and be turned off. But don’t worry, it’s safe to break out your collection of bolo ties. She’ll be so turned on, it’ll be like shooting crabs in a bucket.
-Wear your old letterman jacket. Nothing says “confidence” like a guy who openly admits that playing high school football was his last and only accomplishment.
-When with that special someone, NEVER stop bragging about the time you were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and “totally called it.”
… “Man, that dude totally shoulda walked away with his four grand.” (This could also apply to the “Intelligent” section. See Below.)

TALENTED & PASSIONATE

-Practice the tuba. Nothing is more passionate or beautiful than a bloated, red-faced fella puffing low notes out of a tuba. (It also kind of makes fart noises, so maybe you can score some humor points simultaneously.)
-If you’re lacking in the “talent and skill” department, you can make up for it with your passion. Emotionally invest yourself in little things you’d normally let slide. Kick, punch, and claw your way up the Arby’s management-ladder until someone honors your “2 for 1 Beef and Cheddar” coupon.
-What’s that? She still doesn’t see your passion? Burn her house down. Piss on the ashes. “Now, who isn’t passionate?!”

INTELLIGENT

-Start wearing glasses.
-Instead of your usual brainless activities, suggest mind-challenging games like Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. (Hint: When playing Scrabble, take command of the dictionary so she can’t question your game-winning entry: “Purquexizede.” "What? It's what they call it when there's too many purple crayons in the crayon box!")
-Date a kindergartner. There’s a 65% chance you know more state capitals than they do. I like those odds.

CONVENIENT

-Agree with EVERYTHING she says, let her do ANYTHING, and worship the ground she walks on. They’ll secretly thrive on it. They’ll be stuck to you like a parasite to its host.
-After she leaves for work in the morning, break into her apartment/house. When she gets home, you’ll already be there in her closet. How convenient.
-Follow her everywhere she goes. That way, if she ever needs you, you’re right behind her. (She may oppose at first, but eventually convenience overrides restraining orders.)
-This can also be solved with money. Nothing’s more convenient than a free ride!

Now go get ‘em, Cougar!

…wait, what’s the male equivalent of a cougar?

Uh, go get ‘em, Lynx!

Black Friday

2008-11-30T16:00:00.002-07:00

There are a lot of questions surrounding Black Friday this year due to great tragedies...

...But luckily for you bargain-hounds, these tragedies still can't overshadow the GREAT DEALS!! Let's figure out what all this is about...

What is Black Friday?

It’s a ritual for assassins nationwide. They wait in line for things they’re not sure they want, in hopes they might participate in what local law enforcement calls “legalized manslaughter.” Don’t be misled by their unassuming appearance, these crazed consumers are trained professionals. They’re highly educated in the deadly arts of shrink-wrap-suffocation, cardboard crushing, and deal decapitation (Deal decapitation is when you take the big ‘rollback’ numbers from the Wal-Mart display and use them to sever someone’s head).

Many people make the mistake of thinking Black Friday is connected to GOOD FRIDAY. They assume that if Good Friday is the day Jesus came back to life, Black Friday must be the day he died. This is far from correct. However, this IS the one day a year that Jesus CRIES.

Black Friday is also known as:
The Retail Rumble in the Jungle
The Consumer Conflict
Department Store Dementia
The Global War on Tranquility

How did it start?

Black Friday follows in the traditions of this country’s founders. The night of the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims gathered together outside the Native American’s village. At precisely 3 am, the settlers ransacked the tee-pees and looted Christmas gifts for their loved ones. Nothing’s a better bargain than FREE!

Where did the name come from?
The term “Black Friday” was coined by General Frederick C. Weyand following the Vietnam War. After narrowly surviving the mall mania, Weyand could only describe the psychotic scene as “the darkest side of human nature [he had] ever seen.”

Helpful Black Friday Tips:

-When you camp outside the store, don’t bother packing up your tent, sleeping bags, etc. Just leave them on the sidewalk, you can always buy NEW equipment for next year at 30% off!

-Guys, if you can find a single female that looks half-human at 4 am on Black Friday, lock it down. Chances are, she will forever look good upon waking up and never have a bad hair day.

-If you’ve ever wondered how eerie and terrifying it feels to be at the site of a public panic/massacre, look no further…it’s the closest you’ll get to the real thing.

-It is NOT a good idea to try to “make your way” through the crowd for “fun.” It would be easier for a 7 year-old girl to shove a path to the front gate at a Slipknot concert.

-Next time, don’t bother waiting to pay for that drink. Just take it. Everyone’s too busy avoiding the stampede to care about your complimentary Coca Cola.

-Don’t make the mistake of thinking this will boost your holiday spirit. This is a ghastly, malicious crowd. After being rammed by your 7th shopping cart, your only Christmas wish will be for a new epidemic and a can of mace.

-No one thinks your dated jokes about Furbies are funny. (By the way, how would you spell the plural of “Furby”? Furbys? Furbies? Furbeeeeeeees? Whatever...)

Well that's it. I hope this helps. My only regret is that I was too late to save any lives this year. I mean...save you MONEY this year.

...you greedy, greedy lunatics.

NFL Headlines

2008-11-10T17:27:00.002-07:00

I just glanced at the Monday paper and the front page of the Sports section read:

“Colts ‘steel’ victory over Pittsburgh.”

Get it? (Pittsburgh’s football team is called the STEELERS.)

This hysterical headline left me longing for more sparkling sports stories.
These are the gems that I found about yesterday’s football games.

Denver Broncos – 34
Cleveland Browns – 30
“Broncos turn on the ‘horse-power’ against Browns”
“Denver feeling ‘mile high’ following victory”
“Browns week 10 loss leaves a skid mark on record”

New Orleans Saints – 20
Atlanta Falcons – 34
“Turns out the Saints AREN’T ‘holier than thou’…”
“Saints’ eyeballs no match for the Falcons’ talons”
“FEMA doesn’t respond to New Orleans’ audibles until late in the 4th quarter”

Tennessee Titans – 21
Chicago Bears – 14
“Titans appease Gods with win”
“Bears already in hibernation for the winter”
“Not everyone from Chicago got a win this week…”

Jacksonville Jaguars – 38
Detroit Lions – 14
“Lions ‘de-clawed’ in loss to Jags”
“Detroit loses more games than jobs…”
“ ‘Spots’ defeat ‘Manes’ in ‘catfight’ ”

Baltimore Ravens – 41
Houston Texans – 13
“Offensive points are the only things not ‘big’ in Texas”
“Texans flagged for trying to feed rice to Ravens, still lose”
“Quoth the Ravens, ‘Nevermore’ ”

Seattle Seahawks – 19
Miami Dolphins – 21
“Dolphins ‘flip’ over Seahawks”
“Battle of the ocean creatures won by sea, not air.”
“Seahawks look more like SeaGULLS in shameful loss”

Green Bay Packers – 27
Minnesota Vikings – 28
“Green Bay ‘packs’ up and goes home without win”
“No amount of cheese can comfort Packers’ fans after loss to division rival”
“Vikings ‘torch’ Packers’ village, steal their women”

Buffalo Bills – 10
New England Patriots – 20
“Bills’ ‘Wild West Show’ not enough to overcome Patriots”
“Buffalo doesn’t enjoy ‘weekend getaway’ in New England”
“Homeland Security assists Patriots in game against domestic terrorists”

St. Louis Rams – 3
New York Jets – 47
“Jets ‘take-off’ against Rams”
“ ‘Spirit of St. Louis’ regrets sharing flight technology with NY Jets”
“Rams ‘head-butt’ lockers after embarrassing loss”

Carolina Panthers – 17
Oakland Raiders – 6
“Panthers ‘lacerate’ Raiders”
“After collapse against the run, the Raiders need to steal some dignity”
“Despite abundant gang support, Raiders still can’t win at home”

Indianapolis Colts – 24
Pittsburgh Steelers – 20
“Colts win in ‘photo-finish’ at the racetrack in Pittsburgh”
“Indianapolis ‘hurdles’ over Pittsburgh”
“Steelers get shot point blank in face by ‘Colt’ .45”

Kansas City Chiefs – 19
San Diego Chargers – 20
“ ‘Electrified’ Chargers beat Chiefs”
“Chargers nearly ‘scalped’ in narrow win”
“San Diego proves to be real leader of the tribe”

New York Giants – 36
Philadelphia Eagles – 31
“Giants are ‘bigger’ than Eagles”
“Eagles swoop down to clutch victory, but come up empty-clawed”
“Defending Super Bowl champs get a ‘super’ victory”

(This game isn't over yet, but for fun, we’ll make some predictions)
San Francisco 49ers - ?
Arizona Cardinals - ?
“49ers can’t ‘find gold’ in loss to Cards”
“49ers ‘seeing red’ in terrible game against Arizona”
“San Francisco breaks out the shovels and teaches league how to ‘dig a hole’ ”

Halloween Costumes (What are they saying?)

2008-10-26T14:37:00.005-06:00

Sadly, Halloween is taken more seriously by young single adults than kids these days. I think we already know why these individuals are so adamant about declaring Halloween their favorite holiday... but what else do we know about them?

The best way to get to know these sorry-singles is to check out their costume. What are they trying to tell you with their get-up? I did a few interviews last Halloween and compiled them into this list. This is a guide that you should bring with you to whatever Halloween celebration you attend this year.

What they're trying to tell you:

Guys:

*Chippendales Dancer: “Hey ladies, why go to Vegas for the real thing when I’m already here following you to your car…?”
*Spiderman: “My hands are sticky…”
*Spartan Warrior: “I FINALLY have an excuse to wear my furry diaper and show off my 8-pack-abs tattoo.”
*Batman: “I miss Robin…”
*Robin: “I miss the Neverland Ranch…”
*Frankenstein: “My body is much like my personality—composed of stolen items from dead people.”
*Cowboy: “It’s been long enough since Brokeback Mountain, right? Girls won’t think I’m a lost cause, will they? They like rugged, outdoorsy types, don’t they? Right?”
*Borat: “I am disgusting and unoriginal.”
*Superman: “I would stand for justice and virtue, but instead I’m an A-hole because I have a kryptonite rod wedged up my A-hole.”
*Professional Wrestler: “I once shared a syringe with John Cena, bro.”
*Serial Killer: “Who invited me?”
*Austin Powers: “I’m playing make believe International Man of Mystery! Just like when I’m in my mom’s basement pretending Elizabeth Hurley is feeding me Ho-Hos while I play World of Warcraft.”
*Joker: “I’m cashing in on the tragic death of someone talented and popular in hopes that I will be mistaken for someone talented and popular.”
*Toga Dude: “I can show part of my chest AND pretend to know how to spell ‘philosophical’.”
*Hulk: “It’s ok for me to be obnoxious, abusive, and ugly. It’s the gamma rays’ fault, not mine.”
*Peter Pan: “I’m an old scumbag who takes dressing up on Halloween more seriously than little kids do. If only I wasn’t too dumb to appreciate the irony...”
*Athlete on Steroids: “It’s Halloween? Crap, I forgot my Chippendales costume…”
*Harry Potter: “Has anyone seen my dear sweet partner, Ronald?”
*Cross-dressing Dude: “This was the only way I could ever get close to women’s underwear…”
*Douchebag: “Tonight’s Halloween?”
*Pimp: “This is the only way I can fake having some sort of connection to all the girls here tonight.”
*Dude in Banana Suit: “I’m a big yellow fruit.”
*Darth Vader: “I am a nerd who wishes he had a Deathstar that could destroy entire bully-filled planets.”
*Fred Flintstone (Caveman): “I found a costume that matches my stone-age hygiene and grooming habits.”
*Jack Sparrow: “I’m an imbecile, so I’ll dress up as someone clever and cool so maybe I can get laid by a lady-pirate.”
*Hercules: “I was Zeus, but I puked all over my beard and robe…so I just took it off.”
*Sumo Guy: “I’m going home alone tonight.”
*Iron Man: “I should’ve dressed up as Tony Stark…what was I thinking? Iron Man just fights crime, Tony Stark sleeps with the fair maidens!”
*Indiana Jones: “I’m OLD. When I was cool, all the girls here were in preschool…or yet to be conceived.”
*Captain 6-Pack: “I’m in love with beer and myself.”
*Shirtless Viking Man: “Yo baby, I’m totally gonna rape and pillage you.”
*Rockstar: “I learned everything I know about music from a ‘Behind the Music’ about *Motley Crue. Also, that Brett Michaels dude seems to get some major stripper babes. If only I had a bandana…”
*Vampire: “Oh man, the Edward-crazy-junior-high-twilight-obsessed-girls are going to eat this up. All I’ve gotta say to get some action is ‘Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner…’ or ‘You are my life now.’ Like shooting cats in a bag…I mean, FISH in a BARREL.”
*Werewolf: “I didn’t shave ALL week. Now let’s see if that Edward weenie can compete with the Jacob-man! Rarrr…”
*Hugh Hefner: “Hey sexy ladies!! I need you to complete my costume! Ladies? Hello? Anyone? C’mon, without half-naked girls around me I just look like a creep in a velvet bathrobe! Please…?”
*Jedi: “I’m going to use my Jedi mind trick on some girls tonight. I am SO not dying a virgin.”
*Boob Inspector/ “Hung Like a Horse”/ “Biggest Show on Earth”/ “D**k in a box/ *Kissing Booth/ “Chick magnet”/ anything involving a “Rooster”: “I am a giant ball of sleaze and it is legal for you to stab me in the throat.”
*Guy Covered in Teddy Bears: “I’m pathetic and desperately wish I was cuddly, lovable, and unique...”

Girls:

*Ariel: “I’m only a half slut. Not by choice though, I can only be fondled ABOVE the waist.”
*Hooters Girl: “You should respect me EVEN LESS than the real Hooters girls. I would NEVER work for a paycheck. In fact, I’ve never had a job. I get free meals by going on dates and daddy pays for everything else.”
*Sexy School Girl: “This isn’t a costume, I haven’t graduated yet.”
*Sleeping Beauty: “I get blackout drunk and pass out for days, weeks, or months (…or Insert “prick” joke here).”
*Marilyn Monroe: “I aspire to overdose.”
*Sexy Soldier/Army Chick: “I’m the SURPLUS they were talking about…”

*Juno: "Don't worry, I'm not friggin' Prego the Ego waffle. This is just what I'll look like in 9 sweet month-a-roonies. Gee...I'm so 'exponentially' clever and quirky with my odd phrasings and comparisons. 'Silencio, Old Man!'"
*Red Riding Hood: “I’m going to fornicate with a wolf in my grandmother’s bed tonight.”
*Catwoman: “It’s the closest thing to S&M I could get …”
*Little Bo Peep: “I lost my sheep! I tied him to the newsstand on the street corner, got in that strange guy’s BMW, fooled around at a motel, and collected my money…then when I came back, he was gone! Oh where is my little sheep?”
*Snow White: “How to date rape me: Give me any unsolicited APPLE-flavored alcoholic beverage. Also, I’m no stranger to sleeping with seven guys.”
*Sexy Witch: “Due to my lifestyle choices, I have warts…and other bumps/rashes. I’m yet to find the potion to cure my flare ups.”
*Jasmine: “My 3 wishes: Get plastered, get groped, take pictures to post on myspace/facebook.”
*Princess Leia (Jabba’s Slave outfit): “Due to my low self-esteem and slutty nature, I’m destined to be trapped with an overweight jerk for the rest of my life.”
*Sexy Devil: “I’m here to tempt you and devour your soul.”
*Cheerleader: “This costume WOULD’VE been free…but I don’t fit into my old high school outfit…and I didn’t make the college squad…”
*French Maid: “Has anyone seen my feather duster? I haven’t seen it since I rolled it, lit it, and tried to smoke it…”
*Sexy Referee: “I’ve already ‘blown the whistle’ forty-five times tonight. Penalty!”
*Alice in Wonderland: “I’m tripping out and seeing invisible cats and tea parties due to my immoderate consumption of acid.”
*Bunch of Grapes: “For me, this is retro because I normally look like a raisin.”
*Sexy Bumblebee (Ladybug, etc): “I want to feel your proboscis all over my exoskeleton. Yeah baby…work that metathorax.”
*Sexy Eskimo: “I trimmed down my Eskimo coat because things got a little too hot with my abundance of blubber.”
*Sexy Sailor: “You can call me Sea-Ho.”
*Dorothy: “My solution to getting lost: Steal shiny shoes, hook up with 2 dudes/1 animal-man, and ask a floating head how to get home.”
*Sexy Strawberry Shortcake: “More like Skank-berry Skank-cake!”
*Adam or Eve: “I’m such a tramp that God replaced my genitals with a leaf.”
*Sexy Prisoner: “I was convicted for 1st degree whore-osity and 14 counts of sexual assault.”
*Wonder Woman: “My invisible plane was impounded after my 5th FUI.”
*Pop Diva: “I’m the mutt spawn of Cher-the-whore-shemale and Streisand-the-wailing-shrew.”
*Tinkerbell (Fairy): “Oh how I wish I were cute and petite…Dumbo’s ears couldn’t even lift me off the ground.”
*Queen of Hearts: “I’m the only girl at the party who actually has a costume that fits her weight and personality.”
*Sexy Angel: “God doesn’t love me, but maybe I’ll catch his attention with white lingerie.”
*Tomb Raider: “I wear really tight, skimpy clothes, but it’s ok because I’m TOUGH.”
*Kitty Kat: “There’s no place my tongue HASN’T been. And oh yeah, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.”
*M&M: “My legs are the only shapely part of me left due to my love of m&m’s.”
*Pirate: “I like rum and I don’t shower. And I prefer to be trapped in close quarters with crews of dirty, horny men.”
*Sexy Nurse: “You better pray you don’t need medical attention, because I traded my first aid kit for meth.”
*Belle: “I like hairy, aggressive guys who don’t understand the phrase, ‘No means no’”
*Playboy Bunny: “I might’ve been rejected when I applied to be a REAL bunny, but I hooked up with someone even OLDER than Hugh Hefner. I’m moving into his retirement home too. It’s so upscale that you don’t even have to bathe yourself. People do it for you—with sponges. Take that.”
*Skeleton: “This is the only night people will ever be able to look at me and see ribs…oh how I wish I was dangerously skinny…”

Transgender:

*Zombie: “Finally, a night where I can pretend I’m intentionally ugly!”
*Mummy: “I just had A LOT of plastic surgery done, but couldn’t take the bandages off in time for Halloween.”

*Police Officer: “…and you thought cops couldn’t get any more corrupted.”
*Ghost: “This sheet draped over me is essentially serving the same purpose as a paper bag over my head…I’m just trying to make this bearable for whoever I end up with tonight.”
*Teletubby: “Hide the children…”
*Spongebob: “Hide the children AND the potheads…”

I hope this was helpful. But this Halloween, remember: It's not about trick or treating anymore...it's about:

Chicks and Cheating

Pricks and Beating

Licks and Meeting

Sticks and Heating

Dicks Competing

("What do THOSE mean...?")

I don't know, but they RHYME.

-Professor Jay Q. Arthurite

The Art of Dating War

2008-10-17T10:41:00.001-06:00

So you’ve got your troops lined up, ready to advance on the female front. But before you initiate the launch sequence, you should take advice from a seasoned veteran. I was knee deep in the piss, while your momma was still being breastfed by your gramomma. I was there on D-Day. The shrieks and giggles still haunt my dreams. I saw my confidence and self-esteem get their brains blown out by Russian glare-bullets (Don’t freak out, history buffs. This is a different D-Day. It stands for “Dateless-Day”).

So before you start swimming up to any beaches, awaiting a slaughter, let me give you these tips on what NOT to do.

-You should get familiar with these common contractions:
Don’t
Won’t
Shouldn’t
Couldn’t
Wasn’t
Wouldn’t
Wizzle-Wozzn’t
Isn’t
Doesn’t
Can’t
Shan’t
…all of these contractions originated in the English language. And do you know why? Well I’ll tell you. English was developed in England (Wait…WHAT?!! No…F…N…way…Double F). The clumsy Brits became so accustomed to rejection that they shortened the “NOTS” to hopefully lessen their shame/pain. You see, honky white boys got no game. Just like YOU and I got no game.

-DON’T write your number in ketchup on a napkin and slip it to the cashier at Krystal Burger. She’ll block your number.

-DON’T joke that you want to buy a “puppies in swimsuits” calendar (Even if you claim it’s for your shih tzu, she won’t believe you.)

-DON’T approach from behind. There’s nothing more awkward than finally making your move then being stuck in “standing-behind-her-waiting-for-5-seconds-too-long Limbo” (It’s like diving into an empty pool from 10 feet and still having to wait 10 seconds to die).

-When you ask her what kind of dog she has, then find out the dog’s name is “Zeus,” it is NOT okay to ask what kind of dog it is AGAIN. Next time, LISTEN instead of trying to think of your next question. (Freebie: She probably has a toy poodle).

-Winking and pointing is not a good way to end your social encounter.

-DON’T linger around the area of your failed attempt. Crossing paths over and over and over is just embarrassing for everyone.

-The next time you’re afraid you’ll run into your Rejecter, wearing glasses does NOT work as an adequate disguise. She’ll still recognize you (That Clark Kent stuff is bovine-turds).

-Remember what you think you learned from your last car crash? You’ll forget it the moment you open your mouth. You are NOT an expert.

-Next time, after asking what time it is, walk way. Just…walk…away…

-Do NOT try to “power through” your awkward 10-second pauses. The “buffering” look on your face is not complimentary.

-Next time, see if you can get her to open with the line “I’ve got a boyfriend.” It will save you some time.

-Be self-aware. Notice your appearance and surroundings. If you’re the guy who has been ALONE at the mall for 5 straight hours, she’s already noticed and blacklisted you.

-DON’T fool yourself into believing she didn’t think you were an idiot until AFTER your blubbering struggle. She thought you were an idiot BEFORE too.

-DON’T make threats. They don’t like the idea of their mall kiosk going up in flames. And they will NOT believe you when you say it was just a joke.

-DON’T try to hand them baby food and suggest that she’s going to “need it in 9 months.”

-Lastly, I give you the most valued advice you will ever receive:
DO NOT BOTHER APPROACHING WOMEN AT ALL.

If you’re meant to EVER be with a human female, God will strike her with a milk delivery truck outside your house. Fate will then overbook the hospitals and she will be forced to stay with you—where you will nurse her back to health.

Due to your medical inexperience and negligence, she will be left with permanent brain damage. When she awakes from her coma, she’ll think she is a sparrow and mistake you for her mother bird. You’ll spend three years regurgitating food for her before you two accidentally get married while trying to play video poker at a gas station in Mesquite, Nevada.

…that’s how you’ll know it was “meant to be” (And if you’re like me, it’s your ONLY chance).

Halloween Cinderella

2008-10-14T18:00:00.004-06:00

Once upon a time there was a sweetheart named, Cinderella (or “Cindy”). Cindy spent all her time at home doing chores and enduring the torment of her two stepsisters and stepmother.

Then one special day of the year, October 31st, a Prince invited all the maidens in the land to his “Halloween Ball.” As the two stepsisters were invited, they gleefully planned their costumes. Cindy helped them, but they still made fun of her because she could never pull off a costume as revealing as theirs.

After the sisters left, Cindy cried in despair. Suddenly, a plump pixie appeared before her. She called herself “the Godmother”. Well, it was the day of the Godmother’s daughter’s wedding, so she was taking requests for favors.

Godmother: “Why are you sad, my dear?”
Cindy: “Wait…who are you?”
Godmother: “What do you care? I’m here to help you.”
Cindy: “How?”
Godmother: “I know how to please a man.”
Cindy: “Right…”
Godmother: “Listen, don’t push me. I’m just saying that you’re not going to win over any men on Halloween by BEING YOURSELF. I mean, c’mon, have you learned nothing from your stepsisters?”
Cindy: “What do you mean?”
Godmother: “Boy, it’s just question after question with you, isn’t it?…Ahh forget it, I don’t gotta wait for your permission.”

Then the fat fairy waved her magic wand a few times and…

*POOF!!! Cindy’s rags shrunk to only cover strategic areas and she was covered in body glitter. Also, she had a special glass piercing through her belly button.
*POOF!!! A pumpkin turned into a limousine
*POOF!!! The rat’s transformed into male escorts…err… “Wingmen”…
*POOF!!! The spider turned into a limo driver
*POOF!!! The filthy scrub bucket filled with water in became a filthy scrub bucket filled with Peach Smirnoff!

Then, after gluing a little bit of body glitter on Cindy, they were off!!

At the ball, the entire dance floor was mesmerized by Cindy moving her body to the latest Usher groove. The Prince, who came dressed in his Chippendales costume, was especially impressed. The Prince and Cindy popped some ecstasy and grinded well into the night. Things went so well, they found their way back to the Prince’s apartment. But then, Cindy remembered the Godmother’s warning that she would return to her original form at the stroke of 4 am. She panicked, threw her rags back on, and rushed out the door—forgetting she left the glass piercing on his nightstand!

The prince chased her, but was too late. He asked his drunk roommates, but they hadn’t seen a “hottie with a naughty body” like he described. They only saw what they thought was a maid leaving hurriedly after seeing what they did to the toilet. The prince kept the piercing and vowed to find and bang whatever girl it belonged to.

The Prince slept with every maiden in the land. But he still hadn’t found the “right fit”…

…for the BELLY BUTTON PIERCING. (Sheesh, you have to let me finish my sentence before you start making your judgments and assumptions.)

When the Prince found his way to Cindy’s, the stepsisters locked Cindy in the attic and both slept with the Prince. The Prince was satisfied, but still disappointed. Unexpectedly, the attic door swung open and Cindy came running down. He grabbed her by the hand and took her right back up the stairs into the attic with him. They shut the door behind them…

…3 minutes later, he emerged and proclaimed, “I have found the one!!” A few days later, Cindy returned to the palace where she married the Prince. The stepsisters were discouraged, but they were still able to “visit” the Prince whenever Cindy stepped out for groceries.

THE END

Moral: Beauty is a treasure, but promiscuity is priceless. Without it nothing is possible; with it, one can do anything.

Other Moral: Girls, this is your one night (actually, let’s be honest, Halloween is stretched out into an entire weekend or WEEK these days)…anyway, this is your one week to be whatever you want to be. It may not be in your personality to “appear easy” or go clubbing. But guess what, EVERYONE’s doing it! Especially you Utah girls, you normally wouldn’t feel right dressing immodestly and going to a club, but on Halloween, you’re simply wearing a costume and going to a dance party. It’s totally different! So let loose!

…and guys, girls LOVE the Cinderella story. This is the one night a year they get to dress up and go to a “ball”. The only thing missing in their Cinderella story is the prince. By the end of the night, they’re willing to lie to themselves and pretend you’re the prince of their dreams. You’d be surprised how good your chances can be with a desperate girl. They’re willing to believe ANYTHING. So go nuts! (I’d suggest being a Vampire this year…the girls LOVE the Edward.)

Today's Top Searches (Oct 5 2008)

2008-10-07T00:53:00.005-06:00

These were the top searches on Yahoo.com for October 5th, 2008. Now, what was going on that made them the top searches? What could’ve inspired the masses to google these things? What thoughts were running through their heads? Now, it’s only speculation, but I have a few ideas.

These are the thoughts/occurrences that may have piqued the online community’s curiosity:

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt
-“Can’t Hardly Wait” might have been re-run on TNT and men across the world thought, “Boy, she was ADORABLE in that movie. Perhaps she hasn’t aged and I still can find her locked in a time warp at a train station…”
-Overweight women everywhere have heard she’s fighting back on behalf of them! “Hail the new, white Oprah!”
-Critics were wondering how it’s possible a show like “Ghost Whisperer” was ever created/aired.

2. Beth Ostrosky
-“The Greatest Generation” war veterans began to wonder what happened to the girl who broke their hearts at the Senor Prom in Poland.
-Poets were stumped…“What rhymes with ‘Gostrosky’?”
-Husbands everywhere wanted to look up a supermodel, but to avoid the suspicions of their wives, they picked the woman with the name that sounded most like a polish butcher.

3. Election Polls
-The American public felt like being misled by seemingly random numbers.
-Citizens want to vote the same way they make their NFL picks…go with who everyone else thinks is going to win.
-I don’t think there are ANY other logical explanations for this…

4. Sophie Okonedo
-The world questioned at once, “Who in the world is Sophie Okonedo?”
-Her name must’ve popped up when people entered “Obscure, Oscar-Nominated Nobody.”
-Angry Beatles’ fans assumed she was a descendant of Yoko Ono and were searching for an address to send their hate mail to.
-Folks wanted to see the crazy woman who broke up with Irish film-editor and SUPER-HUNK, Eoin Martin.

5. Kids Halloween
-Parents ponder, “Is there a place I can discard my kids for the entire night of Oct. 31st?”
-Or they thought, “What embarrassing vegetable costume should I smother my kid with this year?”
-Instead of rushing to the ER, babysitters hoped to find a solution to Jack-O-Lantern carving accidents online. (Symptoms: Screaming, crying, and profuse bleeding)

6. 2010 Vancouver
-Terrorists have apparently started to use the Yahoo search engine…
-Vancouver-ites everywhere banded together to google their own city to FINALLY put it on the map.
-Fans are still high on the Beijing Olympics and can’t wait to see Michael Phelps sweep the gold in every Ice Swimming event at the Vancouver Olympics.

7. Fall Vacations
-Nine-to-Fivers contemplated, “Where can we afford to go this year? The backyard!”
-People have a week off, but nothing better to do than sit on the internet and see what everyone else is doing.
-Couples have discovered the secret about fall vacation: There’s nothing more romantic than watching trees die.

8. Monster Trucks
-People thinking, “Is there ANYONE out there that’s paying more for gas than me?!”
-Folks are looking for the most dramatic way to destroy their old cars in favor of hybrids.
-Men are in need of a way to compensate for…something…

9. Digital Cameras
-“If a robot made love to my Polaroid camera, what would the offspring look like?”
-Modern Criminals are curious to know if there is a way to remove incriminating pictures after they are taken.
-Modern Pioneers are curious to know if there is a way to reclaim your soul after it’s been stolen.

10. Home Equity
-Home-owners nationwide wanted to know, “Who owns my house now?”
-Baffled by the TV box’s repetition of the words “Home Equity,” simple-minded folk wondered if the “computer box” could better explain.
-There was a wave of hobos surfing the net at city libraries buying houses off eBay—with their jar of spare change.

Personal Ad

2008-09-24T22:11:00.003-06:00

This is to all the impoverished dames out there:

I’m Elbert.

Ever since I was a toddler, I dreamt of melting faces off. First, I tried searing vegetable oil. Second, I tried using the Ark from "Raiders." Then, I discovered MUSIC.

I'd read in the USA Today that Guthrie, Kentucky was the "Mariachi Capital of the World" so it is now my temporary "home" between tours. I’m looking to find some broads from the area because it's IMPOSSIBLE to have a social/dating life out on the road. I mean, EVERYONE knows rule Numero Uno is: "Don't tap your fans, man" - Sonny Bono

Uh...I don't really have a car...or much money...but I make up for my lack of transportation/currency with my abundance of IMAGINATION. You wouldn't believe some of the inventions I've come up with. Like my "InterWEB." It's like the interNET, except you catch flies instead of fish (take a second…it’ll come to you). I won’t even get started on my newfangled “Puppy Bark Bits.” Mentioning any more details would be disastrous to my gizmo career.

I’ll try to get to the point. This is what I want from you:

-You must only drive rental cars—which you exchange weekly (something mid-sized preferably). I don’t want anyone who gets attached to things…also, I won’t have to deal with the build up of feline odor in your car.

-Unflinching loyalty to whatever TV show I happen to be obsessed with that month. (Example: If I get really into “24,” I expect you to get kidnapped and wait for me to rescue you. Once I rescue you, you must fake your own death and then later resurface as a double agent/terrorist/sell-out. Another example: If I get really into “Heroes,” you have to save the cheerleader, shake hands with that asian kid, and then dominate the Monday Night timeslot for NBC. This is fun, let’s do a 3rd example. If I get really into “Rock of Love with Brett Michaels,” you must organize a throng of grey-haired groupies, print up backstage passes for me to handout, and kick girls out like Big John. Heck, let’s go for 4. If I become obsessed with HBO, you should start being grossly overpriced and not worth half the money I paid.)

-No Phat Chicks. For those of you who don’t know what “phat” is, it stands for “Possibly hairy and tall.”

-Please refrain from excessive staring. I know what they say, “Drinkers, Thinkers, and Blinkers are Stinkers,” but your eyes still need to retain moisture. I’m really tired of nights ending with my date’s eyes being mistaken for the shrunken heads of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. (“Quick! Everyone take a picture! MK & Ash are body-snatchers! But they’re on a DATE!”)

Anyway, I’m sure we could meet up at a Wal-Mart or something. I usually hitch a ride there each day for a diaper run. (Oh yeah, did I mention I have A LOT of illegitimate children? Most of my money is tied up in one big Class-Action Paternity Suit. The case of Elbert v. The New Mexico State Penitentiary)

So do you think you can keep up with a rocker whose idea of "going to church" is "walking by a cemetery without cursing"?

Well, if you think you're up to the task, email me. Send a picture too. And I hope you're confident, because I'm picky. I'm as picky as a 4th grader without a kleenex. ("Ewwwwwwww", right?)

Look forward to hearing from you,

Elbert

P.S. I believe a surefire way to measure a girl's intelligence is to gauge her appreciation of "The Simpsons." (This is actually TRUE…)

A History of Veal-lence. (Meatatarian History 101)

2008-09-18T13:07:00.004-06:00

Wendy’s new “Baconator” is: “Six strips of hickory smoked bacon piled high atop two 1/4 lb. patties of fresh, never frozen, beef. Complete with two slices of American cheese, mayo and ketchup for a mountain of mouth-watering taste.”

But that’s not it…This elephantine burger is also a dripping bacon of a hope. Sorry...“beacon of hope.” It’s the founding father of something we all take for granted, Meatatarianism.

Here’s a quick history lesson:

The Meatatarian Revolution began when the tyrannical King Guord and the Broccoli Empire began to tax the McBurger Colonies without proper representation in their Potato Parliament. Outraged, the colonists dumped a shipment of Herbal Tea into the Brisket Bay. The boiled Broccoli retaliated by sending battalion after battalion of Corn Troopers under the command of General CORNwallis. Colonists, led by George Whopperton, fought off these Raddish-Coats with their local Meat Militias. Combat ended with the Broccoli surrender at Porktown and the signature of the “Treaty of Pastrami.”

Thomas Jeffersteak helped draft the “Declaration of Rib-dependence.” It was signed by some of our proudest founding fatties: Benjamin Frankfurter, John Lambchop, and Salisbury Adams.

The Declaration can be found on the placemat of any Wendy’s tray. It reads:

“I feel bacon should be its own food group.
I eat, sleep and breathe beef and bacon.
I have ketchup running through my veins.
I will only recognize cheese if it is on a hamburger.
I know the secret to true happiness is hickory smoked bacon.
I believe the Baconator® is the true 8th Wonder of the World.”

Since the Meatatarian revolution and the humble beginnings of our carnivorous nation, there have been many other significant events. No one can forget the tragic Sirloin War that pitted brother against brother. Father against son. Chef against Cook.

The real question was: Should steak be grilled or pan-fried? Jeffershank Davis chose to secede from the nation. As a result, the north was forced to send their army, under Ulysses S. GroundBeef, to fight the forces of RoastBeef E. Lee and T-Bonewall Jackson. Historians have no doubt that the turning point was president AbraHAM Lincoln’s “Cheeseburger Address.” Lincoln issued the “Marination Proclamation” and peace was soon restored.

Then, a century later, there was the Chicken Rights Movement—its fearless pioneers, Rosa Poultry, Fowl-com X, and Drumstick Luther King pushed for equal opportunities for white meat in a red meat’s world. Their dream came true. Chicken Nuggets are now 100% all-white meat.

Due to these constant changes, the Meatatarian Constitution looks a great deal different than it did when our fast food nation was founded. These are the amendments we know today:

-You can only floss with a strand of tendon or ligament (preferably the ACL)
-It’s acceptable to eat brown foods that turn green, not food that starts green and ends brown.
-If preparation requires water instead of flame, do NOT eat.
-If it blends in on St. Patrick’s Day, it’s not allowed.
-Avoid consuming if it’s ever starred, or made a cameo, in “Veggie Tales.”
-Strict, extreme Meatatarians shall be known as Megans.
-Instead of a dozen red roses, give your girlfriend a bouquet of veal hearts.
-Meatatarians must attend PETA conventions and throw buckets of green paint on anyone NOT wearing fur.
-Ground beef is a great substitute for cookie dough.
-Kidney stones make good chocolate chips.
-Replace your decorative household ferns with critter skeletons.
-Use turkey skin as an alternative to seaweed wraps at the Day Spa.
-What’d the lunchlady always teach you? “If it’s pink or red, put in your head and swallow. If any part of it’s green, douse with chlorine and flush it.” (Catchy, I know)
-Don’t eat weeds, eat what bleeds.
-You must install genuine rawhide tires on your 18-Wheeler. Ever seen how quickly a cow stops on the freeway?-
-Meatatarian’s favorite ale gets its all-American flavor from fermented geese.
-Chicken Caesar Salad is not permissible, unless you replace the croutons with chicken nuggets, and the lettuce with buffalo wings.

Now, I don't know about you. But I can't wait to see what the future holds for meat. Space Porterhouse? Time Travel Tenderloin? Martian Filet?

Who knows? The only way I'll be able to live long enough to see the developments is if they find a way to clean out my arteries. If only steak were as good for my heart as Chevron with Techron is for my engine.

Drive-by Shoutings

2008-08-04T21:14:00.005-06:00

SPECIAL REPORT: DRIVE-BY SHOUTINGS

Chapter 1: An Intro To This Modern-Day Oddity

Before we can attempt to explain this phenomena, we must first ask, “What is a Drive-by Shouting?” The Drive-by Shouting is the worthless offspring of a sadistic mother—the “Drive-by Shooting.” Wikipedia defines a Drive-by Shooting as:

“A personal attack carried out by an individual or individuals from a moving or momentarily stopped vehicle.”

This is also an appropriate definition for the Drive-by Shouting (or DBS.) There are definite similarities between Shoot and Shout, but also subtle differences. Let’s explore them.

SIMILARITIES:

-Both methods of assault create irreversible damage.
-You must roll down the window (or open the door) in order for your weapon to be effectively unleashed on the unsuspecting target(s).
-Always executed by douche bags and miscreants.

DIFFERENCES:

Shoot: The most commonly used weapon is the gun (though there have been reports of bow-and-arrow drive-bys in Mesa, AZ.)
Shout: The weapon of choice is the human voice. (On the street, it’s referred to as an Oral Revolver, Spoken Shotgun, or Verbal Uzi.)

Shoot: Attacks are usually race or gang-related.
Shout: Seemingly happen for no reason (explored more in the next chapter).

Shoot: The damage to the victim is strictly physical. The fatality rate of victims is 43%.
Shout: The damage to the victim is mental and/or emotional. The fatality rate of victims is 100%. (Don’t underestimate emotional injury. Not getting asked to Prom hurts 10x more than getting shot. That’s why Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy was given a Purple Heart and 50 Cent was not.)

More things you should know about “shoutings”:
-Shouters are usually found in large trucks, SUVS, or Fast-and-the-Furious-style Hondas. Most believe the large vehicles give them a false, superior sensation. In the case of Hondas, the black lights and shiny things are probably over-stimulating to the cracker-barrel brain of the standard Paul Walker-ophile.

Chapter 2: Analysis Of The Shouting Halfwit (Not to be confused with the always-clever Halflings)

The mystery that continues to perplex experts is: Why? Why do these “driving dunderheads” feel the need to shout? Why are they so compelled to exercise their yelling capabilities?

Perhaps it is boredom. Or fear. Or loathing in Las Vegas… Who knows?

First, we must dispense with cases of catcalling. We all know the motive and logic behind those cases:

Whoa, check out the babe with the slamming body. I’d let her lie about the black eye I gave her any day. I’ll bet I know what would impress her. “*Honk* Hey Toots! Why don’t you bring a pastrami sub over to my sandwich shop?! Yeah, sugar!” That oughta do it…wait, why the hell hasn’t she gotten in the car yet? WTF? She’s just walking away! C’mon! That was more romantic than a poem about a dead chick by Edgar Allen Poe!

You see, catcalls have an easy explanation. The more puzzling cases are the ones involving your run of the mill bystanders: Unattractive girls, guys, groups of people, the elderly…What could they possibly get from screeching and yelling obscenities at them?

The Fredericks Academy of Kaleidoscopic Experimentation (or FAKE) did a study on the brain patterns of your average Shouter. They found that when a habitual Shouter spotted anyone while driving, the “Jackass” region of their brain dominated 95% of cerebral activity (The other 5% of activity was located in the “Dumbass” region). Even more surprising was the discovery that, oftentimes, the Shouters’ “Jackass” region would be oddly stimulated by ANYTHING while driving. Whether it was the Little Caesars mascot, a “Free-Steroid-Handout-Parade”, or simply a sale at Abercrombie. While driving, these “Jackass Shouters” couldn’t resist grunting and barking at every sight beyond their car windshields.

So there is scientific evidence verifying that biological forces drive some “steering squealers.” The DNA has most likely mutated by inbreeding and/or prolonged exposure to rap rock. But what about the others? What yanks on their “yelp lever”?

I did an interview of a shouter to hopefully shed some light on the issue.

First, introduce yourself.
Hey, uh…I’m Dirk. Uh…I, like, go to C.C.C.T.S. (Center Community College Tech State)

What classes are you taking, Dirk?
Well, I go to health…and…I’m studying…health. I’m gonna major in business though so I can start my own business…and like, make a buttload of cash…

What kind of pre-requisites do you have to take for business?
Uh…

Nevermind. What kind of business are you going to start?
Probably like uh…custom car place…or I’ll sell all-natural, like, health juice stuff…

Explain “buttload of cash.”
You know, like a lot...of money…

So a “buttload” is a lot? Why a "butt" load? Can butts hold more things than other body parts? How MUCH money can you fit in your butt, Dirk? Have you ever TRIED?
Uh…

Whatever...that’s beside the point. Tell us, Dirk. You’re driving past a group of people on the sidewalk, you’re in your shiny black Escalade, the latest ‘Daughtry’ single is blasting on the radio, what do you do?
Uh…probably yell, “F**K YOU B*TCHES!!!!! WOO-HAWWW!!!!” Then, like, my bro Keith would, like, floor it…

Why is that? What do you accomplish?

...................

[Dirk’s enormous head begins to tremble…His drool becomes frothy…I flee the room because I forgot my blood-and-guts-resistant umbrella. Forced to leave before I could reach a breakthrough. Dozens of hours are wasted (Dirk took a LONG time answering questions).]

Distraught, I had to spend 12 additional weeks observing the campus “Dirks.” This was the theory I came up with:

The average Shouter suffers, for most of their lives, through an intense identity crisis. This is largely a result of a severe personality deficiency. Without a sense of uniqueness or originality, Shouters are lost souls. Lost souls who, I believe, aren’t even sure they exist let alone matter. This existential funk fills Shouters with fear. And as any little green Jedi master from Dagobah will tell you, “Fear leads to anger.”

This hodge-podge of emotions causes Shouters to question everything. They wonder if they can be seen or even heard. When they see people outside their vehicle, they instinctively howl to see if anyone reacts. It’s much like a poltergeist trying to manifest itself to mortals. Only, instead of trying to solve the mystery of their grisly death, Shouters are trying to solve the mystery of “why they hate themselves.” This is a riddle that Shouters never solve, but they do take away a slight buzz from their Drive-by Shoutings. The buzz is temporary confidence caused by exhaust fumes and, again, prolonged exposure to rap rock.

Conclusion

We must accept that we may never know the entire truth behind the perplexing motives of Drive-by Shoutings. We can speculate all we want, but we’ll never know for sure. These “motor-mouth motorists” will continue to remain bizarre creatures. Fascinating like the Loch Ness Monster, but annoying like Bigfoot. We must remain vigilant at all times. Whether we’re gassing up at the University Avenue 7-Eleven, standing outside a venue, or taking our kids to soccer practice—we’re never completely safe.

Stay attentive and be prepared for horrific cries like:

“Woo!!”
“Ahhh!”
“Hey you [insert expletive]”
(And don’t forget the most popular)
“No one will ever love me! Not even my own mother! Also, I torture small animals and am lacking in my nether regions!”

My plea to the general public is straightforward. Shout back.
Effective retorts would be:

“I know you are, but what am I?”
Or
“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

These remarks will astonish and bewilder your screaming assailants and, if you’re lucky, you might witness a fender-bender. Remember: Just because you’re on two feet instead of four wheels doesn’t make you less of a person. You have the right to stand near a road without being persecuted. There is still hope as long as you refuse to give up.

Good luck, brave pedestrians.

-Professor Darryl Phineas Harbenstodt

Lessons from the Road...

2008-07-26T10:41:00.001-06:00

Lessons Learned While On The Road (so far):

*If Wal-Mart Super-Centers had wireless internet, a place for laundry, and hot tubs full of money, bands would never have to go anywhere else.

*They need to make full-body “Dr. Scholl’s Odor Eaters,” because odor and wetness isn’t exclusively a foot problem.

*In northern California, everything is described with the words, “Hella” and “Ass.”
For instance, instead of saying “I enjoyed that particular restaurant.” You should enhance your statement, northern California-style, by declaring, “That was a hella good ass restaurant.” Do you understand? Let’s use a few more examples just to be safe.

English: “Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?”
Nor-Cal: “I’m hella ass late!”

English: “I genuinely enjoyed the high caliber acting in “American Gangster.”
Nor-Cal: “There was like helluv good actors in “White Chicks.” (Notice the variation “helluv” which can also be an appropriate adverb.)

…I think that’s enough. You are now fluent in the dialect of Nor-Cal. Next time you want a porterhouse in San Francisco, just remember the phrase, “I want hella meat on my hella ass plate…hella. My umbrella-hella-hella-hella-hella” (Before you know it, you’ll have your steak AND a chart-topping single.)

*Video iPods can save your life as well as the lives of the irritating people around you. (Surgeon General’s Warning: This may not be true while driving.)

*Alcohol, ambiguous sexual orientation, and bed-sharing is not a good combination. It results in someone getting punched in the face 90% of the time. However, if you don’t mind playing the role of “creepy-molester-punchee”, you get the bed to yourself 98% of the time.

*In the basement of Garfield Artworks (in Pittsburgh, PA) they apparently use urine-based paint due to the frightening health consequences of lead-based paint. Researchers will later discover that urine-based paint (or UBP) is just as unhealthy, if not more. Studies are certain to find UBP is a known cause of all major diseases.

*Violence solves months of stockpiled hostility--But only for a brief moment.

*McDonalds restaurants are EVERYWHERE. Each one still has as much nauseating potential as the last. Even better, in certain areas of the country, they feel it’s ethical to charge over a dollar for the items on the “dollar menu.”

*Dansville, PA (D…...A…...N…...) is the middle of nowhere. 5 empty hotels, 4 abandoned gas stations, and, you guessed it, 1 McDonalds.

*Garmin is an incompetent harpy. She'll send you on more than one "Wild Wal-Mart Chase."

*Simply the smell of popcorn can make you miss movie theaters. But no matter how much you drool in front of the ticket booth, the theater’s “You must pay to get in” policy is unrelenting. (If you are desperate enough, you can always linger outside, follow families, and eavesdrop on their reactions to the movie…and maybe snag a handful of their leftover popcorn.)

*Absinthe and Rock Band makes for a potent hangover.

*When you need a shower, a truck stop, or Wal-Mart the absolute MOST…you won’t be able to find one. Also, it will be raining frogs and lizards. Or as they say in Boston, “Frags and Lizahds.”

These are the only valuable lessons I’ve absorbed from the road so far. My mother is probably horrified, but I’m learning about our world. I know the intimate details about this country that only an aggressive ex-boyfriend would. This knowledge will help me launch my Truck Stop Consulting Firm. I’ll teach weary travelers filling up their tanks how to pinch every penny.

Here’s a freebie: You can save money by bringing your own food…and gas… and you might have to sell one of your children. Not the firstborn or anything, just your least favorite kid. Maybe you can just “rent” them and pick them up on your way home. Be creative.

Happy travels!

-Dave

Watch your back, Blogger...I'm quietly seething.

2008-07-21T13:43:00.002-06:00

Post #2 on this blog has been delayed. Let me explain.

Internet access isn't always available. So I type my thoughts into Microsoft Word. Once Wi-Fi is available, I login, assuming I can copy and paste the text from Word into my online blog.

Such is not the case.

My little text box won't let me paste anything into it. I hit Command-V (Yes, I'm using an Apple computer. Hey, Apple! Send me free stuff!) and the text randomly lands at the bottom of the webpage. My words have been condemned to internet purgatory. Doomed to float in web-limbo--Between the lines where they will never be read.

My text didn't even have a chance! (My text will from now on be referred to as "Little Timmy." Yeah, let's see if you're discriminatory policies change after I give my text a human name. You better pray I don't find a way to give it a face.) ...Back on track, I know little Timmy didn't always follow the "The Text Commandments," but Timmy was a good neighbor. Timmy was a loving husband. Timmy was a protective father (he only beat his kids TWICE a week. I know nuns who can't claim that.) And Timmy went to Vocabulary Church every Easter.

Why won't you love Timmy, blogger? Timmy is clean. He's not even a year old. I just gave birth to him 2 days ago. He came out a page and half on July 19th, 2008. The doctor said he'd never seen such a perfectly bulleted list. Timmy just had a physical as well. He's free of any and all viruses. He's only had one intimate partner, and she was a wikipedia document (so you know you can trust her.)

Shame on you Blogger for treating Timmy like a used epidermic needle. YOU have no room to be prejudiced. I hear Paris Hilton has a blog. You let HER spill her thoughts into your text box? Well if Timmy is a used neeedle, YOU are a heroin junkie's poison-filled vein.

This is only the beginning, Blogger. Timmy will not be denied. This is an era of "Change" and "Hope." I've got powerful political allies willing to support my new Civil Rights crusade.

Meet my demands or there will be prices to pay.

-Dave

P.S. If any of you have a simple solution to Timmy's predicament and don't fear retaliation, by all means...please share...

"The Text Commandments"

1. Thou shalt not plagiarize the Babysitter Club.

2. Thou shalt not transfer word documents between Mac and PC.

3. Remember Bill Gates' birthday and to keep it holy.

4. Thou shalt not commit libel involving Olivia Newton John

5. Thou shalt not ghost-write for an O.J. Simpson "tell-all."

6. Honor thy CPU and thy RAM

7. Thou shalt not worship false technology.

8. Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of your Paper Clip.

9. Thou shalt not doubt the spellcheck.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's font.

And on the 7th day, God created Blogspot #65293412789789...

2008-07-18T07:52:00.009-06:00

Hey everyone!

So this is the maiden voyage of my "blog vessel." I have a feeling this "seafaring online journal" is going to hit a sizable chunk of frozen H2O and sink to the bottom of the Potomac (Yes, I'm navigating down a river and they do have sizable chunks of frozen H2O in the Potomac. Some people call 'em "icebergs." I like to call 'em "jumbo-sized, plain-flavored, jaggedy-ann popsicles." But for the sake of brevity, I will use the more common slang word, iceberg, from now on.)

For those readers out there that don't quite understand my nautical metaphor, let me spell it out more clearly:

The boat = Me + My fancy new Blog

The river = This blogspot (or gusgusthepenguin.blogspot to be exact.)

The "water" in the river (making transport possible) = The internet, a.k.a. "a series of tubes."

The iceberg that is going to sink my boat = My crippling doubt and self loathing set loose and uninhibited in a public forum.

Kate Winslet = My favorite tapeworm and, soon to be, the only survivor of an icy disaster.

Simple enough?

....oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio = The tick that burrowed under the skin behind my ear 9 years ago.

Now that I've established the main characters, you should know that this entry isn't just the beginning of my blog, but also my screenplay. It's going to be a sequel to "The Perfect Storm" called "The Impeccable Tempest." George Clooney has already agreed to burn down the first 100 theaters that screen the movie, as well as never let me within 500 yards of him.

("I'll bet you never knew..." Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly were also in "The Perfect Storm." Talk about an A-list cast. You'd be lucky to find those three in the same country these days. I hear Mark Wahlberg rarely leaves his private island off the coast of Armenia. Now, I know you're probably thinking "Armenia doesn't even have a coast...", but most likely you were thinking, "Isn't Armenia that place with all the pandas? I like pandas..." The point is: You're wrong. Armenia has an exquisite coastline, but Mark Wahlberg is the only living thing to ever witness its majesty.)

Where was I again? Oh yeah, screenplay. I didn't have any trouble getting the green light from Rob Reiner. I pitched the idea to him in the men's room of a Krispy Kreme. He immediately funded the project (by throwing a handful of change at me) and told me to "get the hell out of here" (I assume to motivate me to get started right away).

I am having difficulty filling out the cast though. It looks like I might have to flex my Oscar-worthy acting muscles and play all the characters. It'll be sort of like "The Nutty Professor" meets "10,000 Leagues of Extraordinary Gentlemen Under The Sea." (The latter was a rather unfortunate misunderstanding at the video store, but a compelling piece of cinematography nonetheless. I spent the duration on the edge of my seat, wondering, "How did they get all those men to be so friendly toward each other? And in such a small bed...

...and where in the world is Sean Connery?")

All embarrassment aside, the film project is still in motion. Before you know it, it'll be rolling over matinees across the country.

I hope you have a better idea of the person I am. Stay tuned. There will be more updates to come.

-Dave